Repetition.

Go to bed at 9:45. 

Fall asleep at 10:15

Wake up at 11.

Fall back asleep at 12:30.

Wake up at 1:15.

Fall back asleep at 2:30.

Wake up at 4.

Maybe fall back asleep till the alarm goes off at 5.

Get up, get ready, and leave for work by 6:25.

Work till I get home between 4-6.

Grade, prep, plan, and maybe eat.

Go to bed at 9:45.

Sigh.

Some days I just don't see the point in repeating. Some days I do.

And then there's this...

http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/crime/2013/11/16/newday-valencia-rapist-no-jail-time.cnn.html

Cause and Effect

the best often die by their own hand
just to get away,and those left behind
can never quite understand
why anybody
would ever want to
get away
from
them

Charles Bukowski

Are You Still Being a Good Girl?

This is what I heard as I locked my car and started walking towards cvs to pick up my medicine. The question has been looping through my mind all day. 

As soon as he spoke I whipped my head up from my phone and saw him standing there. This little, cocky, half grin crept across his face. I didn't look any longer after that, though. I backed quickly to my car door, unlocked it, and smacked my head on the way in ( I'd find out a few hours later that I cut it open and probably had a concussion). 

Then I drove. I'm not sure how far he followed me, but somehow after thirty minutes I managed to lose him. I drove out to Roundtop and when there weren't any cars behind me, quickly turned around and headed to a friends'. 

I still cannot get those words and the face out of my head. I'm ready to be done. 

People Always Ask:

I could always stop cutting; that’s the plain and inelegant truth. No matter how compelling the urge, the act itself is always a choice. I have no power over the urge, but the act itself is always a choice. I have no power over the flood tide of emotions that drives me to that brink, but I occasionally have the power to decide whether or not to step over. Stopping, however, is not at all the same thing as ending the desire. I still ache with a fierce, organic need for cutting’s seductive, minimalist simplicity. I expect that I will always be the kind of person who is too much aware of the boundlessness of chaos; it’s like having an unfortunate sixth sense, alive to the teeming, invisible undercurrents of anarchy streaming past us as every moment. I don’t say it makes me stronger, or more interesting, or gives me character; it’s just a part of my fabric of self.

It Was A Rocky Start...

But I'm definitely sure that I chose the right career for me. I'm really enjoying teaching [even though this is only the second week school has been in session]. Last week and the week before, I was feeling completely confused and lost with what I was supposed to be doing. I did not find out the classes I would be teaching until the Friday before school started. Needless to say, it was a little nerve-wrecking and anxiety-making; for me, higher anxiety is not a good thing. I was able to get into the swing of things like usual, though. Here we are at the end of the second week, and I'm ready to lesson plan up to the end of the month.

Now, that's not to say that I've been doing perfectly and haven't made any mistakes. I definitely have. If you're looking to be a teacher [ANY teacher] here is what I've learned so far:

• Journals sound like a great thing in theory. Yeah! My students can write creatively and make real-world connections! In reality? No. No. Nope.
• If you want to have your students write journal entries you need to know these three things:
• DO NOT assign the writing in all of your classes at the same time. Your writing hand will thank you. Emphatically. So will your brain.
• DO NOT assign a prompt that will enable/encourage students to write about deep, personal events from their lives UNLESS you are willing and ready to have several long conversations with their guidance counselor. 
• DO NOT attempt to write lots of *helpful* comments and suggestions on their writing. You hand and brain will disown you, and that sucks. 
• Lay down the law sternly and OFTEN. 

I'll get back to this in a few weeks.....

Need to get past a few things first.