And so the panic sets in...

I feel as though it's difficult to both feel panicked about today's appointment and get others to understand why it can be so panic-inducing. Well, I suppose it is difficult, as most people simply don't know why I react so strongly. I've heard, "oh, it's an uncomfortable and awkward experience for everyone". But I guess once one has been violated in such a fashion, one truly understands what it means to be uncomfortable. I spent most of the week dreading what will happen later today, but I was always able to at least shrug it off with an, "at least it's not for a few days" and yesterday with, "it's not till tomorrow". But now that tomorrow is here, the panic is really setting in. I'm never going to be ready and willing to have what is essentially a stranger invade and break down those well-guarded barriers. I feel like I will always have to deal with those inevitable feelings of dread that wash all of the blood out of your face and slowly creep down your spine until you can't handle it anymore, and you start to shiver to try and shake it off. Fortunately for today's trip, G realized he and I both needed to be in Reading at the same time. One of the scariest parts of making this trip is the drive home; my state of being after the visit always scares me. From that, I would assume it's typically not smart for me to be operating a motor vehicle. Thankfully, I think G is going to drive us there and back. He has been fortunate enough to see me panicking on several occasions, so it makes me less nervous to know it will be him seeing me like that again. At this point, however, I'm tried of pointlessly laying in this bed. If I'm not going to sleep, I may as well get up and go to the grocery store.