A new city allows one to reset to anonymous; there's no chance of running into someone I know. For me, this is both a wonderful thing and a scary thing. While there is essentially a zero percent chance of running into one of them, there is also no one here (except Andrew) when I find myself slipping back. And while I know I can always talk to Andrew, there's a limit to how much I feel I should burden him with. For awhile after we moved up here things got better. I was sleeping more and having fewer panic attacks. For whatever reason, that has started to reverse. I can't figure out why, and I think that's what bothers me the most. I'm not sleeping, and when I do sleep it's horrendous.
I thought everything would be better when I moved away from them. It scares me that I feel like this again. If moving 300+ miles away from everyone and everything I've known isn't enough to change things, I can't imagine what will. And if things aren't going to, can't, change I don't know how much longer I can handle it. It's a little like how Green wrote in Will Greyson, Will Greyson: "When you wake up in the morning you swing your legs out of bed and you put your feet on the ground and you stand up. You don't scoot to the edge of the bed and look down to make sure the floor is still there. The floor is always there. Until it's not." I look for that goddamned floor every morning.
Unfortunately, most of the times, it feels as though the floor isn't there. And if it is, it is certainly spinning wildly out of control. Which is appropriate, since "out of control" is the overall feeling of my life right now. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real. But I know, if you can bleed, you can see it and feel it, then you know you're alive. It's irrefutable, undeniable proof. Sometimes I just need a little reminder. Mostly it makes me stop remembering.
I thought everything would be better when I moved away from them. It scares me that I feel like this again. If moving 300+ miles away from everyone and everything I've known isn't enough to change things, I can't imagine what will. And if things aren't going to, can't, change I don't know how much longer I can handle it. It's a little like how Green wrote in Will Greyson, Will Greyson: "When you wake up in the morning you swing your legs out of bed and you put your feet on the ground and you stand up. You don't scoot to the edge of the bed and look down to make sure the floor is still there. The floor is always there. Until it's not." I look for that goddamned floor every morning.
Unfortunately, most of the times, it feels as though the floor isn't there. And if it is, it is certainly spinning wildly out of control. Which is appropriate, since "out of control" is the overall feeling of my life right now. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real. But I know, if you can bleed, you can see it and feel it, then you know you're alive. It's irrefutable, undeniable proof. Sometimes I just need a little reminder. Mostly it makes me stop remembering.
