I've spent the last couple of months making my way through two workbooks on rape and PTSD. There are a lot of suggested journaling activities, but I don't exactly feel comfortable responding in writing in a book that would be accessible to other people. So, I'm going to attempt some of them here in relative anonymity. It should go without saying, but blanket trigger warning for any stranger who happens along this sporadically updated blog. Here goes...
Who raped you?
Two adult men whom I do not know.
How old were you when the rape happened?
I was 13.
Where did the rape happen?
On a garage floor about three blocks from my mother's house. Near the library.
Were other people around?
Not that I am aware of.
Did anyone else witness the rape?
Just the two men.
If you knew your rapist(s), how were you acquainted with him/them?
I do not know who they are; presumably they are/were neighbors.
When you look back in hindsight, do you see any warning signs of a controlling or abusive personality in the rapist?
No, since I didn't know them.
Create a map of your rape by connecting the way he used his body in relation to yours
My Body
His Body
What emotions are you feeling as you are doing this work?
Numb
What is your body doing right now because of this work?
Shaking hands, metallic taste in mouth, urge to fiddle with my knife or run my fingers over my scars.
What sounds do you remember hearing during the rape?
My heart pounding in my ears, a few cars driving by, the smacking sound.
What did he/they say during or after the rape?
"If you scream, we will kill you."
"Let's have some fun" in regards to a baseball bat that they used to rape me after they had finished themselves.
After it was all over one said, "If you breathe a word of this to anyone we will find you and do this again. We know where you live and that your friend lives in the house behind yours. Tell anyone and we'll do it to her too."
What do you remember doing after the rape? How did you act? What did you feel at first?
I sprinted the rest of the way home, ran up to my room, locked every door behind me, then showered for what I remember as a very long time. The water was cold when I eventually got out. I sat in the corner of the bathroom on the floor for a while. But, I made sure it looked like I was asleep when my mother got home from the bar so she wouldn't suspect anything was wrong. The next day I left for the bus at my normal time, waited behind the detached garage until I saw my mother's car leave, then went back in the house. After the excruciating pain of sitting down died down, I didn't feel anything for a long time.
When do I most often think about my rape? Try to recall whether there are times of day or night, or times of year, when your thoughts and feelings come to you.
I always think about it around the anniversary of when it happened. Certain things can trigger thoughts about it (see the next question). Every time I have sex, it is always at the front of my mind. Any time I'm in a restaurant, I try to sit with my back to the wall and facing the doors so that I can see if they are there. Walking through parking lots and neighborhoods always makes me think of it too. Every single night, it is what I think about until I fall asleep, and it is what I think about when I wake up in the middle of the night.
What times, days, sounds, songs, smells, or other sensations trigger your memories?
Any sort of sexual sensation, baseball bats, cold concrete, the phrase "good girl".
What parts of life have I missed out on because of this avoidance?
I've never truly enjoyed any sexual encounter I've had, wanted, initiated, or otherwise. I spent a long time wearing layers of clothes to conceal numerous cuts and scars.
What are some of the ways I suppress my memories and feelings?
Self-injury, pot, bourbon, reading, crocheting, and video games.
How has my life been impacted by having to keep my story inside?
It's quarter past one in the morning during winter break, and I'm responding to a writing prompt from a PTSD workbook instead of enjoying my time off. That should be enough for now.
Who raped you?
Two adult men whom I do not know.
How old were you when the rape happened?
I was 13.
Where did the rape happen?
On a garage floor about three blocks from my mother's house. Near the library.
Were other people around?
Not that I am aware of.
Did anyone else witness the rape?
Just the two men.
If you knew your rapist(s), how were you acquainted with him/them?
I do not know who they are; presumably they are/were neighbors.
When you look back in hindsight, do you see any warning signs of a controlling or abusive personality in the rapist?
No, since I didn't know them.
Create a map of your rape by connecting the way he used his body in relation to yours
My Body
- Mouth - 3, 2,
- Hands - 2,
- Fingers
- Thighs - 1, 2, 3, 4
- Anus
- Neck - 2, 3, 4, 7
- Vagina - 1, 2, 3, 6, 7
- Breasts - 1, 2, 3
His Body
- Mouth
- Hands
- Fingers
- Thighs
- Anus
- Penis
- Objects
What emotions are you feeling as you are doing this work?
Numb
What is your body doing right now because of this work?
Shaking hands, metallic taste in mouth, urge to fiddle with my knife or run my fingers over my scars.
What sounds do you remember hearing during the rape?
My heart pounding in my ears, a few cars driving by, the smacking sound.
What did he/they say during or after the rape?
"If you scream, we will kill you."
"Let's have some fun" in regards to a baseball bat that they used to rape me after they had finished themselves.
After it was all over one said, "If you breathe a word of this to anyone we will find you and do this again. We know where you live and that your friend lives in the house behind yours. Tell anyone and we'll do it to her too."
What do you remember doing after the rape? How did you act? What did you feel at first?
I sprinted the rest of the way home, ran up to my room, locked every door behind me, then showered for what I remember as a very long time. The water was cold when I eventually got out. I sat in the corner of the bathroom on the floor for a while. But, I made sure it looked like I was asleep when my mother got home from the bar so she wouldn't suspect anything was wrong. The next day I left for the bus at my normal time, waited behind the detached garage until I saw my mother's car leave, then went back in the house. After the excruciating pain of sitting down died down, I didn't feel anything for a long time.
When do I most often think about my rape? Try to recall whether there are times of day or night, or times of year, when your thoughts and feelings come to you.
I always think about it around the anniversary of when it happened. Certain things can trigger thoughts about it (see the next question). Every time I have sex, it is always at the front of my mind. Any time I'm in a restaurant, I try to sit with my back to the wall and facing the doors so that I can see if they are there. Walking through parking lots and neighborhoods always makes me think of it too. Every single night, it is what I think about until I fall asleep, and it is what I think about when I wake up in the middle of the night.
What times, days, sounds, songs, smells, or other sensations trigger your memories?
Any sort of sexual sensation, baseball bats, cold concrete, the phrase "good girl".
What parts of life have I missed out on because of this avoidance?
I've never truly enjoyed any sexual encounter I've had, wanted, initiated, or otherwise. I spent a long time wearing layers of clothes to conceal numerous cuts and scars.
What are some of the ways I suppress my memories and feelings?
Self-injury, pot, bourbon, reading, crocheting, and video games.
How has my life been impacted by having to keep my story inside?
It's quarter past one in the morning during winter break, and I'm responding to a writing prompt from a PTSD workbook instead of enjoying my time off. That should be enough for now.
