Monday, December 6, 2010

l'esprit de escalier & saudade

We're all walking around with these glossy eyes. I'm just tired, we say. But you know what? It's bullshit. Yes, we are tired, but it's not all from lack of sleep. We are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment in doing. We're tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over us even though our days are packed. We're tired of the loneliness that presses down on us even though we're surrounded by dozens of people. So why can't we just say it? Humans are so afraid to look into eachother's eyes and say "I am unhappy, I am broken, I am hopeless and fallible." We've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but something to be feared. Well, screw that. Screw forced smiles and polite handshakes and "I'm fine, thank you's." Screw the fear of crying in public places, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems. We are humans. We are meant to feel. To feel everything and feel it all openly. We are not metal - we are flesh and bone. Our boiled blood courses through our cold, clammy hands. We are intiricate and beautiful and we should never hide our human self. If we do, what's left to show?

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