Graduated.

Four years of college completed and degree acquired...shouldn't I be feeling awesome right about now? At this point I'm feeling the exact opposite. It seems like everyone is getting permanent jobs, getting engaged, having kids, moving up in their lives, and just generally becoming adults. Me? I'm just watching other people's kids while endlessly sending in job applications. Losing my boyfriend at the end of the summer, looking at yet another surgery, and quickly losing any ground I may have gained over the last fourteen weeks of therapy. What am I doing wrong? At this point it just feels like I'm back in the same loop that started nine years ago: Endless setbacks and crap to deal with. 

I spend most nights flipping through dozens of school district web pages and seeing little to no secondary English jobs; most of the ones posted require a reading speciality which one gets through a master's program. I'm just not experienced enough (despite everything I did beyond my required courses) or don't have a high enough gpa since I spent much of my time working to even afford college. With all the setbacks and crap I've had to deal with over the last decade, one would think I could maybe get a little lucky with something. But, alas...that is not the case. 

After I'm sick of looking and applying for jobs I probably won't get, I try to go to sleep. I'm usually successful for about the first 45-60 minutes of sleep. After that, I'm jolted awake by the same freaking night terror I get at least four times a week now. One would think that after fourteen weeks of therapy this would be getting a little better, or I would have new techniques to combatting them. Nope. They're getting worse. Now I wake up and I physically hurt. Not to mention I typically wake up and am thrown into an instant panic attack. After all that, it typically takes me another hour, give or take, to fall back asleep. If I'm super lucky, I can sleep one or two more hours without having another terror, but I think we've already established how much luck hates me. 

The incision scars from last summer's surgery are beginning to enlarge and puff up. Once or twice a day I get sharp, shooting pains that seem to stab straight through them. I have another appoint,net to get checked out in a few weeks, but I'm really nervous about the whole thing. If my endometriosis is getting worse and progressing this much in less than a year since the big surgery, I'm screwed. It'll mean that a repeat surgery would be ineffective, and I would need a full hysterectomy. No kids of my own. Perfect. And cue complete and obliterating debt. Student loans and medical bills would completely consume me.. Add in the lack of a job and what do you get? My full-circle panic attack.