NaNoWriMo

So...my NaNoWriMo novel is not progressing as well as I would like. But with how busy the last week has been, I understand. Still, a little disappointed in myself. Though, that's been the theme for the last month or so and I don't foresee it changing one bit. Despite working three jobs, I still can hardly pay my bills; I definitely don't have enough money to pay for next semester. I'll be taking a trip to financial aid next week for sure. That and Pam's on me again to go see a doctor. I hate doctors...with a passion. Beyond that, the very last thing I want to do is have someone looking me over. That will inevitably lead to questions I do not want to answer. Well, I do want to answer them....but that brings us full-circle back to NaNoWriMo and my inability to find the time to write. So today, I will be firmly planted in front of the computer, struggling to finish my homework in time to hang out with the boyfriend. Or at least game a bit with him... Maybe I'll pull an all-nighter and work on my novel some as well. I'm always torn between wanting to tell my story to everyone and let them know exactly what is in my head or keeping it to myself. The problem is being outwardly unhappy and consistently so it pushes people away, no matter if they say they're always there to listen, there is only so much your best friends can listen to. On the other hand, to pretend that everything is fine is to poison yourself from the inside out; is to ignore who you are and lose yourself. Because sometimes people actually do feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it is caving in on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they just want to curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death. Saying "I don't want to exist" isn't saying "I want to go die". It's saying that "I wish that for the time being, I could go somewhere and not have to feel". I don't think there's anything wrong with that, and if you don't know what it's like to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does. So which is better? To have friends that think you are melodramatic, seeking attention, and pessimistic, or to drown in your own mind? I'll just have to write it out and decide later if anyone will read it. 


"I'm not saying that everything is survivable, just everything except that last thing is."  
    John Green


“It’s hard for everyone. It always seems like it’s hardest for you, but your success and your happiness has much more to do with understanding other people around you than it does with understanding yourself. And, guess what, the homecoming queen probably has crippling phobias too. It sounds cliche, but you have to think about everyone like they’re people, and suddenly you realize that 90% of teenagers have moments where they want to cut themselves, pull out their hair, punch their best friend and sit crying in the shower. And EVERYONE was once a teenager…that goes for your teachers, parents, rock idols, and grand parents…and those people all made it through.”

Hank Green