Indecision.

At this point, now that numerous people know, I have no idea where to go with it all. I mean, I know what all the options are now, but I'm not sure which path I should pursue. Most people have an opinion about it and want to help. That, however, is not something I would want to put anyone else through. I mean hell, I hardly want to do it myself. But I feel incredibly guilty about it all. What if I wasn't the only one? What if there were more after me? I never reported anything so they were never stopped. If they did find other women or girls, I'm going to feel terribly responsible. I already do. But I'm being selfish. I don't want to do this all again. I wish I could talk to someone who has been through something similar. See what they have to say...how they've handled it. I suppose I will just carry on with this blogging nonsense until I come to some conclusion. Or completely freak out. Whichever comes first.

I survived!

Another year of Christmas insanity with my family. In theory, if I get into TFA, I won't have to be here for next year's festivities. That would be astounding. As of right now, I am just sitting on the couch watching the snow blow past the window. It's actually quite nice when paired with a new pair of socks and a mug of tea. 

Another Day

It gets almost tedious to receive grades each semester. I just wish I had less to worry about like the rest of my peers. I know a 3.2 isn't necessarily bad, but when you sit there and watch as person after person post about there 3.5's and higher on facebook you start to wonder why you're not doing as well as everyone else.

Beyond that, life goes on. I've told a few more people about my past...and while it gets easier to tell people I still feel terrible including them in this crap. I feel like I owe quite a few people an explanation for how I've been for the last several years, but I also feel horribly guilty about putting this on them too. I was almost easier to just carry it all myself. Everyone is so kind about it....I just don't know what to do. Quite a few are of the opinion that I should finally report it, but this makes me extremely nervous. I don't want to relive the entire experience and answer all of those questions and I don't want other people finding out. Right now it's still in my control, but if I choose to take this path it won't be. I don't know what to do. 

Break Book List

1] Imaginative Qualities of Actual Things
- Gilbert Sorrentino

2] American Gods
- Neil Gaiman

3] Revolting Youth
- CD Payne

4] The Fifty Year Sword
- Mark Z. Danielewski

5] Fool
- Christopher Moore

6] Blankets
- Craig Thompson

7] Palestine
- Joe Sacco

8] Let's Pretend This Never Happened: (A Mostly True Memoir)
- Jenny Lawson

9] A Confederacy of Dunces
- John Kennedy Toole

10] The Great Gatsby
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

11] Sexing the Cherry
- Jeanette Winterson

12] Friends With Boys
- Faith Erin Hicks

13] Young and Revolting
- CD Payne

14] Every You, Every Me
- David Levithan

"I still get nightmares. In fact I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I'm not. No one ever really gets used to nightmares. For a while there I tried every pill imaginable. Anything to curb the fear. Excedrin PMs, Melatonin, L-tryptophan, Valium, Vicodin, quite a few member of the barbatal family. A pretty extensive list, frequently mixed, often matched, with shots of bourbon, a few lung rasping bong hits, sometimes even the vaporous confidence-trip of cocaine. None of it helped. I think it's pretty safe to assume there's no lab sophisticated enough yet to synthesize the kind of chemicals I need. A Nobel Prize to the one who invents that puppy. I'm so tired. Sleep's been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. Sadly though, I'm not looking forward to the prospect. I say "sadly" because there was a time when I actually enjoyed sleeping. In fact I slept all the time." 

-Johnny Truant, House of Leaves